I am almost 40 years old. I have had my fair share of
relationships, flings, flirts, and the other relationships that don’t fit in any of the aforementioned
categories. I’ve dated long-term, I’ve dated short-term, I’ve lived with men, I’ve
been a stepmom figure, I’ve dated a Mormon (hey that was a step out of
the ol’ comfort zone), rich men, poor men, smart men, etc. etc. The list can go
on. They all have one thing in common: It didn’t work out. Why you ask? Oh
lord, the list of reasons could go on and on… but it doesn’t matter, what matters
is those relationships didn’t work out. What else matters is how easy it was
for me to wash my hands of them. A few stuck for a bit, and a few I look back
on and wonder why it didn’t work or what if
it had. But for the most part, I’m an “everything happens for a reason”
type person. Que Sera Sera. Get over it and move on with your life type person.
"Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time." Maya Angelou
It wasn’t until recently that I met someone that had an effect
on me that I wasn’t really expecting and quite frankly, can’t make it go away.
I think I got to this point in my life where I figured I’d live alone and raise
my chickens and cats and be content (my God that sounds terribly lame). But I
was okay with it. Hell, that’s been my life for the last 10 years so why change
now? It’s easier. I answer to myself. I don’t have to shave my legs. I won’t
get hurt. I can walk around buck a’ naked and not feel self-conscious about it.
Being single is great, right? I used to think so. Then this guy walks into my
life and I realize that maybe having a connection with someone and wanting to
spend time with someone is worth all the bullshit that could potentially go
along with it.
Physical attraction is one thing, and I am attracted to him physically,
don’t get me wrong. I wanted to touch him constantly (sorry mom). But more importantly I am attracted to him because he is
smart, funny (not as funny as me), thoughtful, affectionate, and communicative.
I felt like I had known him my entire life after the first two dates. There was
an ease I hadn’t felt before with someone and it was exciting and terrifying
all at the same time. I’m a terrible dater. I admit it. I have the mentality
that if I like you and you like me, then let’s date and call it good. It
usually bites me in the ass because things move too quickly. Case in point. But
I felt like I was moving at the pace that we both set, not just me. The thing is, it couldn’t work with him. Not
now. He is a recent divorcee with young children. While some people can bounce
back from a break-up or divorce and jump into something new easily, that wasn’t
the case with him. I don’t know the details, I don’t have to. But I know that
it affected him greatly and that although he thought he was ready to start
something new, he really wasn’t. Even with me, and I’m awesome. (Self-proclaimed)
That realization came quickly and out of nowhere to me. One day we were meeting
up for drinks the next day I was getting the cold shoulder. It’s easy to blame
yourself and it’s easy to think you did something wrong, but I couldn’t come up
with anything. I felt sad. I felt mad. I felt confused. I went through the five
stages of grief in a matter of days. Denial that it was happening. Anger that I
was getting ghosted. Bargaining with him to try to make him see I was okay with
whatever he could give. Depressing thoughts because I knew deep down he was
ending it with me even if I didn’t quite know why. Acceptance, the final step,
maybe hasn’t fully set in. That would mean it really is done and over with. For
good. Forever.
"Try to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud."
So, what’s the ridiculous blog post about? I cannot, for the
life of me, get over this. It's hurt me down to my core and I haven’t experienced that
before. Even after being cheated on. Even after living with someone for years
and finding out it wasn’t ever going anywhere. The thing is, it’s dumb. We only
hung out for.. wait for it.. one month. I KNOW!! I can’t explain it. I'm not a psycho. It just felt right. It was one
month that felt like I’d known him ten years. It was one month that felt like I
couldn’t wait for the next month, or ten. It felt like it was so easy that the
logical next step would be to plan the coming weeks together. We made jokes
about how many dates we’d actually have been on had it not been for our
schedules. There were so many similarities and connections and discussions
about things we could do that it felt so easy, so normal, so exciting, so ….. “Holy
shit I like this guy and can’t find one thing I don’t like about him!”.. That
doesn’t happen with me. I am the nitpicker of all nitpickers.
Did things happen quickly? Yes. Did I think there was more potential
than him? I have no idea. It didn’t seem that way at the time. Was I more into
him than he was me? Obviously. But I felt like it was mutual then. Did
something happen that scared him away? I have no clue. It all happened so
suddenly. One day I’m on cloud nine because I had met this amazing guy and the
next minute I’m sitting there dumbfounded because I just got blindsided by his reality
I guess.
All I know is I’m sad. Like, high school heartbreak sad. I’ve
never felt this kind of sadness before. It's like a weight on your chest and an inner ache that you can't shake. My God I sound like a lunatic. It’s like knowing you lost something
great but have zero control over it. I’m sad about the potential for something
that could have been great, and I know it could have been great. I’m sad that
he is sad and that he was hurt and that he is hurting. I’m sad that someone
would treat someone they care about or have ever cared about in any capacity,
in a way that would make them turn away from the possibility of being happy. I
have never intentionally hurt someone like that and I can’t understand why
someone would do that to someone they supposedly cared about. I want to give
him a hug and remind him that there are a good people out there that do care
about him (even if it had just been one month) and that I saw enough potential
for something great that I would be willing to wait. I’m in no hurry. Hell, I’m almost 40. I can’t have kids; I don’t need
to move fast for any reason whatsoever. He gave me a peek inside what it could
have been like and taking that away was like ripping off a band aid. But not a
little paper cut band aid, like a big open-wound band aid, connected to hairs.
I
was asked to walk away and that’s what I did. But it definitely feels like I
turned my back on someone I cared about and that even after one month maybe needed me but wasn't ready to need someone. And I don’t do that easily. The thing
is, there’s nothing I can do. I’m a fixer and I can’t fix this. I’m not privy
to enough information to fix it, nor does he want me to be a part of the fix. I
get that. I do. I’m not angry in any way. I’m sad for him and for me at the
same time. I think about how he must feel after years of marriage and here I am
being sad about one month. But is there a litmus test for how much time it
takes to feel something for someone? Absolutely not, so I can’t discount my own
feelings. I also can't discount his or where he is at right now. It's not easy, but WTF else am I supposed to do?
Someone asked me if I thought I would ever hear from him
again when he felt he was ready. Honestly? I have no idea. Part of me hopes he will
reach out because from my perspective, it could have been great. We laughed
a lot (super important to me), had a connection (so I thought), planned a decathlon that I was hell-bent on winning (and totally would have), and to me, had that je ne sais quoi. In my core, and that sounds so ludicrous even as I type it, I know, but down deep in
the feels, I felt there was something different about him; something that could
be pretty great. But alas, timing is everything and timing is not currently on
my side. Maybe one day.. I just wonder if I cross his mind as much as he
crosses mine. If not, well, maybe I can’t trust my intuition as well as I
thought I could. If not, hopefully this sadness will subside sooner rather than
later. If so, I look forward to the day I see his name come across my phone.
Until then, I live life like I have for the past 39 years with sporadic thoughts of the "what could have been" and "maybe one day will be".
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