My life has been a series of happenings, not unlike yours. So, what makes us different? What makes us unique? We are born, we learn various skills that will help us through life, we grow up, determine who we are going to be, get a job, move, get married, or don’t, have kids, or don’t, and so on and so forth. So, what makes me, me, and you, you?
If you’ve been reading this blog for any amount of time, you will know that I experienced pretty tough instances of childhood trauma that lasted beyond my childhood. That makes me different from a portion of you out there. Does it define me? I don’t think so, but I definitely think it has influenced my life and the relationships I have in my life. I question if my predilection for surface level relationships stems from my youth. I ponder the theory that I hold people at arm’s length as to not get too close so that I won’t get hurt when I get let down, which historically, almost always happens. I pontificate on whether or not I make up my “I don’t need this in a relationship” list just to ensure nobody will ever come anywhere close to meeting the ridiculously high and outrageous expectations I’ve set for them prior to even meeting them. If you are one of very few people in my life that the list doesn’t pertain to, congrats, the bar is set even higher for you. You’re the ones that really matter. That doesn’t mean the people on the periphery of my life don’t matter, they do. But think about it, think about the people you surround yourself with and really think about how many of them you really couldn’t (or wouldn’t want to) live without. I very well may like you, enjoy spending time with you, but if you moved tomorrow I may never give you a moment’s thought unless you post on Facebook. I’m sure that sounds harsh to some of you, but in reality, and if you were honest with yourself, the same rings true for you.
I got to thinking about the people I have in my life and how my life is basically the way it is because of those people. I don't hike much anymore because I used to do that with my buddy Greg. I don't fish anymore because Matt moved away. I don't go ____ because you don't like it. etc. etc. Granted, I can make any changes I want to my life as a single, unattached woman, and I hate that I use excuses for not doing things, but I do take into consideration those closest to me and how any change in my life might affect theirs. So many people ask me why I don’t move out of Alaska (because I talk about it often). The reason is, the people I have here. Plain and simple. Yes, I think I hold an equal amount of space in their lives as they do in mine.. or at least I hope so! Anyway…
As easily as it is to blame others for the downfall of my relationships (friendships, romantic, work, etc.), I understand that I am no angel in disguise. I have faults (I know, I know... hard to comprehend, but I do). I do consider myself a good person to all the people in my life, and I would hope they’d say the same. I will have their backs no matter what. I will do what I can to help them in any way I can. I will give advice even if they NEVER take it. I will give you time/money/whatever, even if you never say thank you. I will go visit you and your 8 children for a vacation, and I will play countless games of Gin Rummy and Oh Hell, even though I want to be on a beach in Mexico (just kidding Margaret). I will make dinner for you just to be able to spend time with you, even if I’m tired and crabby and can’t taste any of it. I will continue to invite you to do things even though I know you will never do them. I will sacrifice things I want to do because you don't want to do them.
What’s my point? If you're still reading this, you're probably wondering where the heck I'm going with this... As am I. There’s always a point to these
rambling cogitations of mine. I’m tired. I’m tired of trying to be a supportive
sister, daughter, friend, colleague, significant other. It’s exhausting
juggling schedules and feeling like some people are getting more attention than
others. It’s tiring giving support to people who don’t take the initiative to
change their own situations. It’s taxing taking the lead on things all the time because nobody else is
willing to step up and do it. It’s frustrating getting chastised for not doing something for someone who previously did the exact same thing to me. It's hurtful when I spend hours upon hours on
something that benefits someone else, and they don’t seem to even care or
appreciate it. I know I’m not alone in feeling this way, but lately I feel like
I’m being spread thin in my life.
So, sorry if I don’t give you my undivided attention, or return your call/text, or show up to your event, or don’t want you to come over. I am allowed to do what I want in my own life, when I want, with whomever I want. Not to say I won’t take people’s feelings into consideration, I will. But sometimes I need to do/or not do, something for me, not for you. I’m learning at 40 years old that I don’t need someone to make me happy, I just need to make myself happy. I can vacation alone. I can live alone. I can work alone. I can be happy alone. I don’t want to rely on others for my happiness and I don’t want others to rely on me for theirs. This is not to say I don’t need people in my life, because I do, and those people know who they are (I hope). I’m just saying that I’m going to primarily worry about me from now on and focus on making myself happy, and not everyone else. That is my non-New Year’s Resolution… mostly because my previous resolution was to be nicer to people and I broke that resolution on January 3rd after a few beers. Cheers!
