May 24, 2017

Online Dating Part Deux

They say there is someone out there for everyone. I don’t know who “they” are but I think they are liars. I’m not speaking from personal experience… just kidding, I am.
I’ve met some people in my life that I’ve thought were pieces of work. I mean, we all have faults but some people are just not good people, or nice people, or caring, or giving or whatever they aren’t. Case in point:
I met “Chris” several years ago. Chris is a nice fella. He was single when I met him and we all knew why… he was unkempt, didn’t smell so great, and was just very…. Odd. Then one day he starts mentioning his girlfriend and I about fell off my very tall pedestal. He found a girl that liked him? Wanted to touch him? Have “relations” with him? Mind. Blown. Then I started looking around and thinking, “Wow, he has a wife.. she has a husband.. how does that even happen!?” Yes, I realize I’m sounding very, very, snobby right now, but really.. think about it! Have you ever met someone who is super bitchy but married to the absolute nicest guy? How does that happen?! (You can ask my husband when we marry)
If you asked my friends and my mom they would said I’m single because I’m too picky. I, on the other hand, do not feel that is a bad quality. My picker has been wrong in the past so why trust it? I asked a friend recently to set me up with one of his single friends. His response? “Why, so you can date him for a month, focus on everything you don’t like about him and then break his heart?” Ouch.. Maybe people are thinking, “No surprise that Beth girl is single!” But you know what? I AM SURPRISED!
I’ve done the online dating thing for a while now. I would say I was honest when creating my profile. My pictures look like me, I didn’t say my body was “slim”, and didn’t say that my exercise habits occurred with any frequency or at all for that matter. So what’s the deal? Why am I not going on dates every night? I mean, hello? I said I liked to hike, camp, fish, bonfire it up, cook, drink beer, put out (just kidding mom). Who wouldn’t want to date me? Since this hasn’t been working for me I think I’m going to switch it up a bit.

Age: 37 with the bod of an 80 year old.
Profession: This year it’s program supervisor until I get fired. Again.
Height: 5’3” because of slouching due to being top heavy.
Body type: Let’s just say there is muscle under there somewhere. Also, don’t try to pick me up. Especially if you’ve had hemorrhoids or hernias in the past.
Education: Bachelor’s degree that took me 34 years and left me indebted to the government until I die.
Do you have children? By that do you mean 13 chickens and one cat? Then yes.
Do you want children? Well, maybe. Although I’m afraid of needing hip replacement surgery after so….
Do you do drugs? I do like to sniff gasoline when it spills.. but not enough for real fun.
Hair Color: I like to call it, “Starry, starry night.” aka dark brown with hints of gleaming gray.
How ambitious are you? Well, I climbed the one flight of stairs to get to my office today rather than taking the elevator. In all actuality, it’s because the elevator is WAY at the other end of the building and would require a long walk just to get there and then I’d have to walk ALL the way back to my office. #LoseLose

Describe yourself:

         I like lists. Case in point:
  •         I remember when I was younger and used to tell myself, “Beth, you will never reach 130lbs!” Now I just think about those days and laugh hysterically. Not too hard because I might pee a little and that’s just never enjoyable.
  •          I hate shaving my legs and will refrain from doing so for lengthy periods of time.
  •      I snore. I like to blame it on acid reflux but really it’s because my chins cut off my breathing I think.
  •         I will try anything once, but if I am not good at it, or I can’t beat you at it, I will probably never do it again.
  •          You will have to sleep on the side of the bed closest to the door in case a murderer comes in to kill us while we sleep.
  •          Although some descriptions may seem self-deprecating, it’s really not that. It’s really just a very realistic view of myself that I feel everyone should have. Especially people who wear leggings.
  •         I like classic country music and I will not apologize for that. If you don’t like to listen to it, you can drive separately and/or wear ear plugs. I suggest the wax ones because they really drown out the sound.
  •         I don’t cry very often. If I do it’s probably because of two things: 1) I’m cutting onions 2) SPCA commercials paired with the soft heart wrenching sound of Sarah McLachlan come on.
  •         I am a mediocre cook. Granted every dish in the house will be dirty when I’m done and you will be expected to clean up the mess, but hey, at least you got a meal.
  •         I enjoy walking about my house in the comfort of my own skin. This is more of a warning than an invitation.
  •          I used to say that I am most comfortable in jeans and a tee-shirt but the reality is, jeans are really uncomfortable and unforgiving. HELLOOO elastic my new best friend.
  •         I have many male friends. That can be an issue for most guys. If you are that guy? Buh Bye.. I don’t need you. I have many male friends.. oh wait..

I think with this list I will bring in a new assortment of fine fellows that will understand and appreciate all that is Beth. It’s not that I don’t like the 60 year old men hitting me up, or the guys from countries I can’t pronounce. It’s just that I’m ready for something new and fresh and rich. 
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