At what point is enough enough?

I hate when people post personal BS on Facebook dont' you? Well, guess what? I'm annoyed and ticked off so here we go........Sometimes I just have to laugh at some things. Tonight is one of them. I had a great time with friends and family until it came time to a) switch locations b) stop a friend from driving and c) attempting to understand how to be second fiddle in this funny game we call life.

For the most part I think most of you know me. I'm blunt, I can be an asshole, but I can also be thoughtful, kind, and considerate. I would imagine if you actually know me as a friend you would agree. I am single with no kids so my friendships and relationships outside of my family are extremely important to me. After today I just want to give a middle finger to everyone and just hole up in my little house and say "to hell with you all". But, I won't because it's my best friend's birthday tomorrow and we are going to have a great time. Here's the thing. I can be the bitchiest of bitches but if I consider you important in my life, then I guarantee you, you will always have someone in your corner. Will I have you in mine?

Here's what you'll get from me as a friend, etc.:

1. Honesty. It's the basis for any relationship.

2. You're back. Right Dave?

3. Your time. I will do what is important to you, in hopes that you will also do what is important to me. ... Unless it's climbing mountains. I don't do that anymore.

4. Learning from you. I can admit fault. Can you?

5. Supporting you. You want to be a marine biologist? Okay let's go diving in murky Campbell Lake.

6. Growth. I am constantly learning and growing from my friends.

7. I would say empathy but you know that isn't true. I am not empathetic.. I know this about myself. What I can give is my life experience (which hasn't been so peachy keen) and my resistance to trauma and how I deal with it. It very well may make you understand me more. If not, que sera sera.

8. Support. Whatever it is that is important to you and I can be a part of, I will. You want to save the seals? I promise to quit using plastic straws even though paper straws are disgusting.

Let me tell you what I expect from you in return.. it's simple really.. Kind of.

1. Laughter. If I can't laugh with you, then what's the point?

2. Your willingness to understand what is important to me and to listen when I speak of things that are important to me. Not to make you uncomfortable but to make me comfortable in our relationship. I will do the same.

3. A little give. You don't like karaoke and I do? Go with it. You don't like xyz bar and I do? Take one for the team. It isn't going to kill you.

4. Hearing me. I mean REALLY listening. Hearing the words that come out of my mouth and what I need from you and what I don't. eg: I don't need you to judge me for whatever...I need you to listen to me when I need more out of the relationship.

5. No judgement. Super easy you think, but it isn't. Everyone has a preconceived notion of what they expect. Guess what, I'm probably not it and I'm okay with it. I won't play the game long if your judgement is playing a role.

6. Honesty. Because I guarantee I will be honest with you.... and sometimes I have to tiptoe around what I really want to say, but it's for the best because I really don't think you can handle the truth, or, aren't willing to listen.

7. Listen. I don't ask for things I don't really need anything , but if I do, and I ask for them, that's different. If you can't give them to me, then maybe it's time to move on. Not all relationships are meant to last forever. I'm not talking about a Porsche. I'm talking about time, commitment, etc.

8. If you can't even bend, then there is no reason for us to be friends or whatnot. If it's all about you and what you want or need, it won't work. It isn't working. If you think putting a Band-Aid on an open wound will stop the blood flow, you're wrong; The hemorrhage will still occur.

9. The realization that maybe what you have to give is great, but your inability to compromise is what is going to be the end of it all.

With that said, 1000+ "friends" on the ol' Facebook none of this will shock you because you've known me for year. For those that it does, sorry. I'm just so tired of asking for and explaining what I need out of people in my life and it not being taken seriously. For those that take it seriously, cheers!! You know who you are.

For the rest of you--- Vaya con dios.. or whatever you believe in.

It Could Be Worse

 It’s Always Something

You know how you feel after getting off a 12-hour flight with three, two-hour layovers with some mechanical issues that make you sit on the runway for an hour with a giant man snoring next to you? You know, that feeling where you can’t take one more step or blink one more time without literally passing out. That’s how I’ve felt for months... literally months.

At first, I blamed the VID. I mean, I couldn’t taste or smell for 9 months so I wasn’t eating a balanced diet to help with metabolism or energy. Then, after about 8 months I realized I would hit a wall around 1pm or 2pm where I had to go lay down right away and then I’d nap for hours. Sometimes two, sometimes three, sometimes more. I’d feel good enough to get up and go on with my day and then I’d crash again at night.

Add in the sweats. Not like sweat pants, although I’ve been wearing a lot of those lately. I mean, shirt-soaking sweats. For those that don’t know about the surgery I had in 2005, I’m not supposed to sweat. Ha! Jokes on me, because lately I’ve been sweating like a ran a marathon backwards when really…  all it took was me getting up off the couch to start the onslaught of drips. Gross, I know.

So, I go to the doctor assuming 100% that I’m going through “the change” and actually praying that’s what it is. She says my lymph nodes and glands are swollen and blah blah blah, let’s do some blood tests. Get a call a few days later that there has been a diagnosis: Epstein-Barr Virus. Ok, what does that even mean? Well, apparently it’s a close sibling to the good ol’ kissing disease mononucleosis. Joy!! Doc tells me most people have had it since they were children but will never have symptoms. As a matter of fact, 90% of you have it. You’re welcome! Lucky for me, I have symptoms, albeit moderate symptoms compared to some who really suffer from it.

I just had a follow-up with doc and I told her, and a good friend of mine who also happens to be a doc, and who also had EBV earlier in her life, that I feel like a hypochondriac. I’m constantly complaining about the giant lymph nodes in regions that I didn’t even know had lymph nodes, wondering if the pressure behind my eye is an aneurism, or if my swollen glands are going to cut off my breathing at night and suffocate me. (this really almost happened) Alas, I am still alive and napping daily and bitching constantly about being hot, or tired, or … the list could go on. Luckily doc says all symptoms are normal and that I should definitely be “taking it easy” and sleeping when needed, but to also try to live my life. Uh, huh. I could barely stand at the sink long enough today to peel beets to can them later. Sad.

But wait! That’s not the best part. Just when you think you’re going to live a long and healthy life because you just have a silly little virus, you join the Epstein-Barr Virus Support Facebook Page. Sweet Jesus!! It’s almost as bad as putting your symptoms into WebMD only to learn you have dysentery, leprosy and polio with a touch of lymphoma and will most assuredly die from a blood clot that you won’t feel. Greeaatttt.

Here’s the thing.. some people who get sick or are diagnosed with a disease or disorder make it their identity and let that diagnosis take over. Fine, you be you. I’m going to take my doc’s advice and really try to live my life (with many naps) and still try to enjoy the things I used to enjoy. So, if I go on a hike with you, be prepared to Sherpa my ass up and down because I won’t be able to go far. 

AND, thank you to my friends and family who have been there to hear me complain, and to those who know that when you call and I don't answer, I'm probably napping. 

Kisses.

I fought the VID, but the VID won.

You know how sometimes you will suffer through a terrible ailment, such as a toothache, that ruins your life for a short time and then you don’t even realize when it’s gone? I’m hoping that is what will happen very soon to me.

In November I was diagnosed with COVID-19 after a short stint to the emergency room. Albeit, some may think I contracted it elsewhere but I’m sticking with my story. A few days after leaving the ER I awoke with a headache like none other that I had ever had.. and I’ve had some doozies. It was as if I slept wrong and every muscle and nerve in my upper torso was cutting off all blood supply to my head. My eye sockets hurt, my teeth hurt, my feelings hurt. I made a new best friend named Excedrin and he let me down. I even went to a little Thai lady who beat the living hell out of my already decrepit body. Nothing worked for days. As quickly as it came, it left and I was left with a sinus type illness that only lasted a few days. (enter thrilling-something bad is going to happen-music)…

I’m not a food craver very often but this one particular day I wanted homemade mac n’ cheese and bbq pulled pork. I NEEDED IT. So, out comes the Instant Pot and away I went on a journey to satisfy my chubby girl craving. Meat is cooked, bbq sauce is added, mac n’ cheese is plated up and it has no flavor. Literally, nothing. I thought maybe I didn’t add enough BBQ sauce, so more was added.. then more.. until it was more like shredded pork in a bbq pool. It was then I knew.. I had the Vid. Got tested and the rest is history… not. IT ISN’T OVER.

I am 5 months and 18 days into my COVID experience and I am still experiencing symptoms. I’ve read articles that say most “long haulers”, (that’s what I’m called), experience neurological issues, sleep issues, etc. etc. I don’t know if I can blame COVID for not being able to remember words or names, or being awake at 4am with crazy thoughts swirling around in my head. I don’t know if COVID is the reason I have to nap almost every single day for over an hour. It could be that I’m just lazy, but I’m going to blame  (shaking my fist)… COVID!! That isn’t the worst of it though. Not by far.

For close to 6 months, SIX MONTHS, I have had little to no taste or smell. Let that sink in for a moment. No taste. No smell.. Let’s talk smell for a moment; something I will never take for granted if I get it back. I’m constantly paranoid that my house stinks (or that I do?!). I’ve left the oven on and couldn’t smell the gas. I can’t smell my shampoo or my perfume or clean sheets. Is the milk bad? Well, it isn’t chunky so it must be okay. Is that chicken poop on my shirt or just mud? It isn’t as though my olfactory senses are completely gone because I smell something all the time. It’s like a musty smell. It’s as if I just opened a trunk filled with your great-great-grandma’s shoes that had been buried with her body for twenty years and then exhumed. If you can’t conjure up that smell, be glad, it isn’t a good one. So, to whomever said, “Stop and smell the roses.”, well, great… I can’t. So, thanks a lot. Great advice.

 As for the taste. While I love many things in life, food was at the tip top of that list. Screw Maslow and his “self actualization”.. I bet Maslow could taste his latkes with no problem. Cooking, which I once loved, is mundane and meaningless because the time spent is moot because I can’t enjoy the results. I’ve eaten rotten shrimp that made me sick because I couldn’t tell they were bad. I eat burnt toast because, well, I can’t taste it. I rarely eat meals anymore and just snack on things that are probably causing me high cholesterol and clotted arteries. I can differentiate between sweet and salty but that is about it. As I sit here with my cup of tea I reminisce about the time I used to be able to drink my beloved black coffee. Now, coffee leaves a bitter, undesirable taste in my mouth.. as does chocolate. So, let me answer the question I get asked most about losing my sense of taste: Have you lost weight? Well, for one, you obviously haven’t seen me lately. And two, no.

 The thing with our brains is that they are really smart, even with COVID brain fog. My little brain knows I prefer pasta to peas, cheese to carrots, and beer to, well, anything. You can’t turn off the fat-girl switch because you can’t taste. I still crave all the things I always did, and I eat all the things I always ate. The problem is, once you get them, they lose their luster quickly. The benefit of not being able to taste is I eat leftovers now. Pre-Vid, the thought of eating something more than once made me want to pull my fingernails out with pliers.. I hate leftovers. Now, I eat ‘em until they’re gone, so that’s good (unless they’ve gone BAD, like those damn shrimp). So, alas, no poundage loss here. At least COVID could have given me that. Bastard.

That’s my saga. I know it’s hard for some people to remember that I can’t smell or taste. I’m constantly getting asked to “try this” or “Do you want pepperoni or Canadian bacon on that pizza?”.. I don’t care. I can’t taste!!! Don’t worry, I’m not mad at you, I'm mad at bats.

I Am, What I Am.

My life has been a series of happenings, not unlike yours. So, what makes us different? What makes us unique?  We are born, we learn various skills that will help us through life, we grow up, determine who we are going to be, get a job, move, get married, or don’t, have kids, or don’t, and so on and so forth. So, what makes me, me, and you, you?

If you’ve been reading this blog for any amount of time, you will know that I experienced pretty tough instances of childhood trauma that lasted beyond my childhood. That makes me different from a portion of you out there. Does it define me? I don’t think so, but I definitely think it has influenced my life and the relationships I have in my life. I question if my predilection for surface level relationships stems from my youth. I ponder the theory that I hold people at arm’s length as to not get too close so that I won’t get hurt when I get let down, which historically, almost always happens. I pontificate on whether or not I make up my “I don’t need this in a relationship” list just to ensure nobody will ever come anywhere close to meeting the ridiculously high and outrageous expectations I’ve set for them prior to even meeting them. If you are one of very few people in my life that the list doesn’t pertain to, congrats, the bar is set even higher for you. You’re the ones that really matter. That doesn’t mean the people on the periphery of my life don’t matter, they do. But think about it, think about the people you surround yourself with and really think about how many of them you really couldn’t (or wouldn’t want to) live without. I very well may like you, enjoy spending time with you, but if you moved tomorrow I may never give you a moment’s thought unless you post on Facebook. I’m sure that sounds harsh to some of you, but in reality, and if you were honest with yourself, the same rings true for you.

I got to thinking about the people I have in my life and how my life is basically the way it is because of those people. I don't hike much anymore because I used to do that with my buddy Greg. I don't fish anymore because Matt moved away. I don't go ____ because you don't like it. etc. etc. Granted, I can make any changes I want to my life as a single, unattached woman, and I hate that I use excuses for not doing things, but I do take into consideration those closest to me and how any change in my life might affect theirs. So many people ask me why I don’t move out of Alaska (because I talk about it often). The reason is, the people I have here. Plain and simple. Yes, I think I hold an equal amount of space in their lives as they do in mine.. or at least I hope so! Anyway…

As easily as it is to blame others for the downfall of my relationships (friendships, romantic, work, etc.), I understand that I am no angel in disguise. I have faults (I know, I know... hard to comprehend, but I do). I do consider myself a good person to all the people in my life, and I would hope they’d say the same. I will have their backs no matter what. I will do what I can to help them in any way I can. I will give advice even if they NEVER take it. I will give you time/money/whatever, even if you never say thank you. I will go visit you and your 8 children for a vacation, and I will play countless games of Gin Rummy and Oh Hell, even though I want to be on a beach in Mexico (just kidding Margaret). I will make dinner for you just to be able to spend time with you, even if I’m tired and crabby and can’t taste any of it. I will continue to invite you to do things even though I know you will never do them. I will sacrifice things I want to do because you don't want to do them.

What’s my point? If you're still reading this, you're probably wondering where the heck I'm going with this... As am I. There’s always a point to these rambling cogitations of mine. I’m tired. I’m tired of trying to be a supportive sister, daughter, friend, colleague, significant other. It’s exhausting juggling schedules and feeling like some people are getting more attention than others. It’s tiring giving support to people who don’t take the initiative to change their own situations. It’s taxing taking the lead on things all the time because nobody else is willing to step up and do it. It’s frustrating getting chastised for not doing something for someone who previously did the exact same thing to me. It's hurtful when I spend hours upon hours on something that benefits someone else, and they don’t seem to even care or appreciate it. I know I’m not alone in feeling this way, but lately I feel like I’m being spread thin in my life.

So, sorry if I don’t give you my undivided attention, or return your call/text, or show up to your event, or don’t want you to come over. I am allowed to do what I want in my own life, when I want, with whomever I want. Not to say I won’t take people’s feelings into consideration, I will. But sometimes I need to do/or not do, something for me, not for you. I’m learning at 40 years old that I don’t need someone to make me happy, I just need to make myself happy. I can vacation alone. I can live alone. I can work alone. I can be happy alone. I don’t want to rely on others for my happiness and I don’t want others to rely on me for theirs. This is not to say I don’t need people in my life, because I do, and those people know who they are (I hope). I’m just saying that I’m going to primarily worry about me from now on and focus on making myself happy, and not everyone else. That is my non-New Year’s Resolution… mostly because my previous resolution was to be nicer to people and I broke that resolution on January 3^rd after a few beers. Cheers!