Expectation is the Mother of all Frustration

I started this blog as a means for all you non-Alaskans to experience this amazing state through my eyes. I had good intentions of doing just that, and I did for a while, but recently the blog has become a drop zone for my thoughts and feelings and probably a bunch of gibberish nobody wants to read about. Que Sera Sera. So.. with my greatest of intentions in play, I am coming full circle with this blog.

If you ask my friends how many times they’ve heard me say I’m going to move out of Alaska they wouldn’t be able to give you a number. That is how often I think about and say I’m going to do it. Yet I don’t because I live in one of the most amazing places I’ve ever lived in and I just don’t think I can give it up quite yet. Let me explain….

I’ve become somewhat introspective in my old age (under 40 so maybe not THAT old) and I often think about the life I thought I would have and the life I have now and the differences between the two. I think about what could have been, what should have been, and what has been. I weigh pros and cons, ups and downs, lefts and rights and never myself (god knows that doesn’t need to happen). I dream of the what if’s, what hasn'ts, and what could be’s. I mourn missed opportunities and lost chances and get excited over all the possible things to come.

The thing I think I’ve been struggling with of late is the difference between being happy and being content. Am I happy? Yes. I am a happy person. Am I content? No. I don't think I am.

You see, my life was supposed to be so much more than this (in my mind). I was supposed to get married and have kids. I was supposed to own my own company. I was supposed to have a dog and cats and chickens and goats (ok the goats are a stretch but maybe?). I was supposed to go to book clubs with my best girlfriends and take my new neighbor homemade cookies. I was supposed to volunteer with the PTA and sew Halloween costumes for my kids. I was supposed to pass on traditions and make new ones. But you see, none of those things happened. All my “supposed to’s” were expectations and desires I put upon myself, and to be really content, I have to let them go because those ships have sailed. The wind is no longer beneath my wings or those sails. But let me tell you…. it is not an easy thing to do. Each year that passes another “supposed to” goes out the window and a wee little Beth dream gets crushed into smithereens.

Back to this blog coming full circle so those of you in the L48 (lower 48) can experience this state I live in.

Am I happy? Yes.

Why?

I wake up every single day and look out the mountains and think how beautiful this place is. I’ve made this little house my own and I literally can just sit here and contemplate all these things I’m spewing and be happy as a clam. I look around my house and the treasures I’ve accumulated through the years, each with a memory attached, and revel in the experiences I've had here. I have 20 animals (2 fur, 18 feathered) that rely on me and I on them. I have a community of people I’ve met through various experiences that I can call on at a moment’s notice for anything and everything. I get to share this place with friends and family that come up to enjoy all that is Alaska. Lastly, and most importantly, I have friends and family and friends that are family that mean more to me than just about anything. Friends come and go, they just do. But some stick with you through thick and thin (life experiences and weight…), some make you glorified aunties, some give you the title of Best Friend, some write you into their Book of Life, some help you build coops, allow you to cry on their shoulders, live with you while both in need of friendship, tell you like it is, listen to you tell them how you think it should be, give you a job when you need one, invite you over for every holiday and call you family and make you feel that way, and most importantly, they are there for you and you for them when need be. No judgements. No questions. I have those people here and those people are what keep me in Alaska. Yes I like my house. Yes I like my job. Yes I like how beautiful this place is. Yes I like all of those things…. But it’s the people that I’ve met here that keep me here and for that reason alone, I don’t think I will ever leave or can ever leave.

So maybe my “supposed to’s” just haven’t happened as I initially thought they would. Maybe I’m meant to meet someone later in life when I know who I am and am comfortable with me. Maybe I’m meant to live with my best girlfriends and sip cocktails on the lanai and argue over all the hotties at the Moose Lodge. Maybe I’m meant to be an auntie and not a mother. Maybe I’ve grown into this person that I am for me and not anyone else. Maybe this version of me isn’t the best yet but is the best that there’s been thus far and all those guys I’ve dated missed out (duh). Maybe when I think of failed relationships that I thought were going to go the distance, I should think of them as learning experiences for what I want and don't want from a life companion and not as failures. Maybe I'm supposed to be 38 years old and living where I am, surrounding myself with the people in my life, and experiencing the things I am experiencing. Maybe that is okay. No more apologies. No more settling. No more what if's, no more trying to fit square pegs into round holes.

Since I can’t know what my life will bring, I can only look back at what it’s brought and accept it and move on to what’s to come. I hope it’s going to be great because when it comes down to it, I’ve earned it. In my 38 years I've experienced things people should never experience and I hope they never do. But I've lived through it and with it and I'm a better person for it. So letting go of my expectations of what I thought my life should be shouldn't be too hard of a thing to do, right? One dream gone, another created. I mean really, what fun is it to know what life is going to bring anyway? It’s like opening all your Christmas presents beforehand… not that I ever did that…….