February 21, 2017
What is it all about, and why don't I care?
So what is "it" all about- this thing we call life and do I really care? I have been asking myself that over and over again for the past year and I still haven't quite come up with an answer. There are going to be those of you out there reading this that are already looking up some sort of meme about how you create your own destiny, or life is what you make of it, or all that other BS. Please refrain from doing so because I will instantly dislike you and wonder why we are friends. (Maybe a bit dramatic, but you get my drift)
This is my life, so this is the only "it" I can talk about and ponder and mull over and over. Let's start from the beginning:
I had a plan for my life. I thought I would graduate high school, move to Minnesota for college, get a job, find a husband, have some kids, live happily ever after and all that fairy tale jazz. While I did move to Minnesota, nothing thereafter went as it was supposed to in my "plan". Since then, I've kind of been searching for my purpose. What am I supposed to do with my life? Where am I supposed to do it? With whom?
I have this overwhelming feeling that I've failed at something, yet an even more overwhelming feeling that I don't really care. I have accomplished nothing in my life as far as my career, having a family, buying a home, being financially secure, a great bod and yet, I don't seem to really care. Why? Is it because I legitimately don't care, or have I become so complacent that I just can't muster up the strength to give a flying hoot? Maybe it's because I believe in the theory that everything happens for a reason, and that just because I haven't hit my stride in life doesn't mean it isn't going to happen? Who knows?
I think what this post comes down to, and the hours I've spent thinking about it is, I know I only have this one life to live and I am not doing anything to actually live it. I exist in it with no rhyme or reason, very little effort or desire, and without a lot of joy. I see my friends taking chances and leaving to teach abroad, or start their own companies, or adopt babies because they can't have their own. I become jealous of the mere idea of doing those things because I don't have the cajones to do them even though I want to. I want to "live" my life, I just don't know how. There's this stigma that you grow up, get a job, and stay in it for 30 years for the retirement. That idea makes me want to puke. I hate sitting at a desk taking orders from people. I do love being a waitress (or server if you want to be PC about it). So why don't I just do that instead of getting a "real" job? As sad it sounds, I feel like I'd be judged for doing so. "She couldn't make it in the real world so now she has to do this." There are a lot of things, most things actually, in this world that I don't care about being judged for. I don't need to own designer anything, live in a big house, drive expensive cars, etc. etc. People can judge me on all the materialistic things in the world, but I cannot handle being judged for my intellect, ability, or my competency. Hell, maybe they wouldn't blink an eye seeing me take their orders, but deep down I think they would, and that would be too much for my little ego to handle.
I've read The Secret, as have some of my friends. I understand the theory that the universe gives you what you put out into it- if you believe in that sort of thing- so maybe that's why this dark cloud is following me around...Maybe the Universe is saying, "Hey Klein, your attitude sucks, change it." Maybe I'm just tired of getting the short end of the stick all the time... Maybe I've hit rock bottom and the way out is just too steep, and my give a f's are so, so few. I don't know!! I don't know what the answer is to this overwhelming feeling of "I don't care". Do we have to have a purpose in life? How do you know what yours is? Does it matter if you do or don't know?
Here's the thing- I know I'm not happy, I know there are ways I could go about being happier, I just have no will power to do so, and I don't know how to get it back. Until I do, I guess I will continue this woe is me pity party and wait for the call from my mother asking me if I'm ok. (I am)