If I could turn back time ---If I could find a way---

First and foremost, if you did not start singing like Cher when you read my blog title, we can't be friends (refer to # 10 on the list).  For those of you that did, click here to keep on singing!

When one has large amounts of time to sit/lie around and just think, it can be very dangerous. Case in point:

Last night I could not sleep. I read an entire book and still my mind would not.stop.thinking. While it may surprise some of you, I pray every night. I thank God for my family, the health of my family, my friends, Zoe and whatever else comes to mind. I often talk to my grandma and ask her what in the world I should do with my life. And then beg her not to come visit me from the grave and tell me what to do with my life. I seriously worry one night she'll just pop up and then I will have a heart attack and she won't need to tell me what to do with my life, because I will be dead.

I digress. I laid in bed last night and all these thoughts started popping up and I seriously thought I was having a mid-life crisis and a potential panic attack at the same time. Or maybe they just go hand in hand? I started developing a mental list of all the things in my life I would do different if I could back in time and do so. I mean, we all have these things so why not share my deepest thoughts with you internet people? So here goes (in no particular order):

I would have:

1. saved money and not spent money on things that mean nothing. I'd be so rich.
2. focused more in high school on what I enjoyed learning about, and then applied that to a college education. While I do have one, it isn't something I particularly want to use. Ever.
3.  not treated visits with my grandma as a chore but as quality time with my only grandparent.
4. learned how to enjoy exercising  (yes, I know I still can, but I'm less apt to do so)
5. met Paul Newman before he died. I would have stalked the hell out of that man.
6. had children or a child.
7. experienced the places I lived rather than just lived there.
8. told someone that I was being molested while the SOB was still alive.
9. traveled more instead of just saying I wanted to.
10. let go of bad friendships sooner.
11. researched my genealogy while the older relatives were still alive.
12. gotten chickens way before now.
13. seen the red flags in my relationships where I was being cheated on. They were there in plain sight.
14. not plucked my eyebrows so much when I was younger. I don't even want to look at those pictures!!
15. continued hugging and kissing my parents goodnight/goodbye. 
16. not bought my Ford Escort ZX2. What a POS.
17. learned early on not to focus so much on what other people think.
18. not let me pride get in the way of telling people that I loved, that I loved them.
19. gotten my endoscopic thoracic sympathectomy when I was a teenager. 
20. practiced having better penmanship. Mine is terrible.
21. gone to college straight out of high school and actually experienced the college life instead of being an adult student taking night classes.
22. not signed up for five credit cards when I got the offers at eighteen.
23. been a teenager longer rather than trying to be an adult so fast. 
24. tried a few drugs. I know, I know.. but sometimes I just wonder what they would be like.
25. not have gotten arrested when I was 18. Don't ask... it was eventually dismissed. 
26. told my parents I got arrested at 18. Courtrooms are scary places.
27. not been forced to go to church. I think it would be best if children were taught about all religions and then got to choose which one suited them (if any). 
28. bought stock in Amazon or Google when it was cheap. duh.
29. not spent so much time trying to please other people.
30. taken better care of my body after soccer/life injuries.

Well, there's a few things for ya. In the end life is about learning lessons and moving on. Sure I wish I could go back and change some things, but hell, there are things I need to change now so I better focus on those rather than crying over spilt milk. I just hope that some of the advice I give my Lil Sis she would listen to and not cringe every time I say, "When I was your age...."... but I supposed had someone tried to tell me some things back then I would have done the same thing. Damnit.

A Decade Gone By

As of September 2016 I have lived in Alaska (again) for 10 years. That's the longest I've lived in one place at a time. Generally I get the itch to move every few years or so. My current itch has lasted awhile but I just can't get myself to go and I don't know why. Maybe I'm just not ready? Maybe I just need to admit I love Alaska and don't want to leave..

As some of you may know, this isn't my first go-round with Alaska. I was born in Palmer and lived in the Butte until 1990/91 (I can't remember) when my parents asked my brothers and I if we wanted to move to California. My brothers and I discussed it and decided that yes, we did want to move to California. Live by the beach, see palm trees, drive convertibles, listen to the Beach Boys and live out every beach movie/show we'd ever seen. Boy oh boy did my parents dupe us on that one! Instead of beaches and convertibles, we moved to Redding where it was more like cows and beat up trucks. Where meth runs rampant and jobs are hard to come by. Not only that, the temperature in the summer are damn near unbearable reaching well over 100 degrees. That was fun to play soccer in. Not. I survived though, and after graduation drove halfway across the country to Minneapolis. Lived there off and on and ended up back in Alaska. Why you ask? My brother had a bad break-up and I came up here to hunt her down and do bodily harm to her. No really, I would have. Lucky for her I never saw her (and me I suppose. I'm not a jailbird type of gal).

Ben and I on our way up to AK

So here I am.. reminiscing about 10 years gone by with damn near nothing to show for it. No career, no husband, no kids, I rent my house and I have nineteen chickens. But do I look at these last 10 years as a waste of time? Absolutely not. I've been fortunate to meet some of the best friends I will ever have. I've experienced parts of Alaska most don't get the chance to see. And although I don't own it, I have the cutest little house in town that I love and have been happy in for years with my fifteen year old cat Zoe. I have welcomed a new sister into the family, have been blessed with a healthy family, loved and lost, and learned so, so much.

It was her favorite place to be! 

I swore when I left Minnesota that the next place I moved to I would EXPERIENCE it. While in MN I didn't do anything but restaurants and bars. I didn't camp or hike. I didn't go to the Boundary Waters or Basilica of Saint Mary or any State parks. Sad, but true. So that is one thing I can say I've accomplished in the last 10 years. I have experienced Alaska and I have had friends come up and experience it too. It's hard not to when you live in such a beautiful place. Yes the weather can be all over the place, and yes it gets dark and cold, but when it's nice there is no better place to be.

It's easy to get stuck in routines. I thank my friends for getting me to step outside of my comfort zones and habits. I thank my friends for helping me through the hard times and laughing during the good times. I thank my friends for making me a part of their families. But more than anything, I thank my family for supporting me through the last 10 years of ups and downs, tears and laughter, jobs and no jobs and everything in between. I am so fortunate to have the people in my life that I do. I look forward to the next 10 years to see what comes of this crazy thing called life.

2006. Finally made it.