I fought the VID, but the VID won.

You know how sometimes you will suffer through a terrible ailment, such as a toothache, that ruins your life for a short time and then you don’t even realize when it’s gone? I’m hoping that is what will happen very soon to me.

In November I was diagnosed with COVID-19 after a short stint to the emergency room. Albeit, some may think I contracted it elsewhere but I’m sticking with my story. A few days after leaving the ER I awoke with a headache like none other that I had ever had.. and I’ve had some doozies. It was as if I slept wrong and every muscle and nerve in my upper torso was cutting off all blood supply to my head. My eye sockets hurt, my teeth hurt, my feelings hurt. I made a new best friend named Excedrin and he let me down. I even went to a little Thai lady who beat the living hell out of my already decrepit body. Nothing worked for days. As quickly as it came, it left and I was left with a sinus type illness that only lasted a few days. (enter thrilling-something bad is going to happen-music)…

I’m not a food craver very often but this one particular day I wanted homemade mac n’ cheese and bbq pulled pork. I NEEDED IT. So, out comes the Instant Pot and away I went on a journey to satisfy my chubby girl craving. Meat is cooked, bbq sauce is added, mac n’ cheese is plated up and it has no flavor. Literally, nothing. I thought maybe I didn’t add enough BBQ sauce, so more was added.. then more.. until it was more like shredded pork in a bbq pool. It was then I knew.. I had the Vid. Got tested and the rest is history… not. IT ISN’T OVER.

I am 5 months and 18 days into my COVID experience and I am still experiencing symptoms. I’ve read articles that say most “long haulers”, (that’s what I’m called), experience neurological issues, sleep issues, etc. etc. I don’t know if I can blame COVID for not being able to remember words or names, or being awake at 4am with crazy thoughts swirling around in my head. I don’t know if COVID is the reason I have to nap almost every single day for over an hour. It could be that I’m just lazy, but I’m going to blame  (shaking my fist)… COVID!! That isn’t the worst of it though. Not by far.

For close to 6 months, SIX MONTHS, I have had little to no taste or smell. Let that sink in for a moment. No taste. No smell.. Let’s talk smell for a moment; something I will never take for granted if I get it back. I’m constantly paranoid that my house stinks (or that I do?!). I’ve left the oven on and couldn’t smell the gas. I can’t smell my shampoo or my perfume or clean sheets. Is the milk bad? Well, it isn’t chunky so it must be okay. Is that chicken poop on my shirt or just mud? It isn’t as though my olfactory senses are completely gone because I smell something all the time. It’s like a musty smell. It’s as if I just opened a trunk filled with your great-great-grandma’s shoes that had been buried with her body for twenty years and then exhumed. If you can’t conjure up that smell, be glad, it isn’t a good one. So, to whomever said, “Stop and smell the roses.”, well, great… I can’t. So, thanks a lot. Great advice.

 As for the taste. While I love many things in life, food was at the tip top of that list. Screw Maslow and his “self actualization”.. I bet Maslow could taste his latkes with no problem. Cooking, which I once loved, is mundane and meaningless because the time spent is moot because I can’t enjoy the results. I’ve eaten rotten shrimp that made me sick because I couldn’t tell they were bad. I eat burnt toast because, well, I can’t taste it. I rarely eat meals anymore and just snack on things that are probably causing me high cholesterol and clotted arteries. I can differentiate between sweet and salty but that is about it. As I sit here with my cup of tea I reminisce about the time I used to be able to drink my beloved black coffee. Now, coffee leaves a bitter, undesirable taste in my mouth.. as does chocolate. So, let me answer the question I get asked most about losing my sense of taste: Have you lost weight? Well, for one, you obviously haven’t seen me lately. And two, no.

 The thing with our brains is that they are really smart, even with COVID brain fog. My little brain knows I prefer pasta to peas, cheese to carrots, and beer to, well, anything. You can’t turn off the fat-girl switch because you can’t taste. I still crave all the things I always did, and I eat all the things I always ate. The problem is, once you get them, they lose their luster quickly. The benefit of not being able to taste is I eat leftovers now. Pre-Vid, the thought of eating something more than once made me want to pull my fingernails out with pliers.. I hate leftovers. Now, I eat ‘em until they’re gone, so that’s good (unless they’ve gone BAD, like those damn shrimp). So, alas, no poundage loss here. At least COVID could have given me that. Bastard.

That’s my saga. I know it’s hard for some people to remember that I can’t smell or taste. I’m constantly getting asked to “try this” or “Do you want pepperoni or Canadian bacon on that pizza?”.. I don’t care. I can’t taste!!! Don’t worry, I’m not mad at you, I'm mad at bats.

I Am, What I Am.

My life has been a series of happenings, not unlike yours. So, what makes us different? What makes us unique?  We are born, we learn various skills that will help us through life, we grow up, determine who we are going to be, get a job, move, get married, or don’t, have kids, or don’t, and so on and so forth. So, what makes me, me, and you, you?

If you’ve been reading this blog for any amount of time, you will know that I experienced pretty tough instances of childhood trauma that lasted beyond my childhood. That makes me different from a portion of you out there. Does it define me? I don’t think so, but I definitely think it has influenced my life and the relationships I have in my life. I question if my predilection for surface level relationships stems from my youth. I ponder the theory that I hold people at arm’s length as to not get too close so that I won’t get hurt when I get let down, which historically, almost always happens. I pontificate on whether or not I make up my “I don’t need this in a relationship” list just to ensure nobody will ever come anywhere close to meeting the ridiculously high and outrageous expectations I’ve set for them prior to even meeting them. If you are one of very few people in my life that the list doesn’t pertain to, congrats, the bar is set even higher for you. You’re the ones that really matter. That doesn’t mean the people on the periphery of my life don’t matter, they do. But think about it, think about the people you surround yourself with and really think about how many of them you really couldn’t (or wouldn’t want to) live without. I very well may like you, enjoy spending time with you, but if you moved tomorrow I may never give you a moment’s thought unless you post on Facebook. I’m sure that sounds harsh to some of you, but in reality, and if you were honest with yourself, the same rings true for you.

I got to thinking about the people I have in my life and how my life is basically the way it is because of those people. I don't hike much anymore because I used to do that with my buddy Greg. I don't fish anymore because Matt moved away. I don't go ____ because you don't like it. etc. etc. Granted, I can make any changes I want to my life as a single, unattached woman, and I hate that I use excuses for not doing things, but I do take into consideration those closest to me and how any change in my life might affect theirs. So many people ask me why I don’t move out of Alaska (because I talk about it often). The reason is, the people I have here. Plain and simple. Yes, I think I hold an equal amount of space in their lives as they do in mine.. or at least I hope so! Anyway…

As easily as it is to blame others for the downfall of my relationships (friendships, romantic, work, etc.), I understand that I am no angel in disguise. I have faults (I know, I know... hard to comprehend, but I do). I do consider myself a good person to all the people in my life, and I would hope they’d say the same. I will have their backs no matter what. I will do what I can to help them in any way I can. I will give advice even if they NEVER take it. I will give you time/money/whatever, even if you never say thank you. I will go visit you and your 8 children for a vacation, and I will play countless games of Gin Rummy and Oh Hell, even though I want to be on a beach in Mexico (just kidding Margaret). I will make dinner for you just to be able to spend time with you, even if I’m tired and crabby and can’t taste any of it. I will continue to invite you to do things even though I know you will never do them. I will sacrifice things I want to do because you don't want to do them.

What’s my point? If you're still reading this, you're probably wondering where the heck I'm going with this... As am I. There’s always a point to these rambling cogitations of mine. I’m tired. I’m tired of trying to be a supportive sister, daughter, friend, colleague, significant other. It’s exhausting juggling schedules and feeling like some people are getting more attention than others. It’s tiring giving support to people who don’t take the initiative to change their own situations. It’s taxing taking the lead on things all the time because nobody else is willing to step up and do it. It’s frustrating getting chastised for not doing something for someone who previously did the exact same thing to me. It's hurtful when I spend hours upon hours on something that benefits someone else, and they don’t seem to even care or appreciate it. I know I’m not alone in feeling this way, but lately I feel like I’m being spread thin in my life.

So, sorry if I don’t give you my undivided attention, or return your call/text, or show up to your event, or don’t want you to come over. I am allowed to do what I want in my own life, when I want, with whomever I want. Not to say I won’t take people’s feelings into consideration, I will. But sometimes I need to do/or not do, something for me, not for you. I’m learning at 40 years old that I don’t need someone to make me happy, I just need to make myself happy. I can vacation alone. I can live alone. I can work alone. I can be happy alone. I don’t want to rely on others for my happiness and I don’t want others to rely on me for theirs. This is not to say I don’t need people in my life, because I do, and those people know who they are (I hope). I’m just saying that I’m going to primarily worry about me from now on and focus on making myself happy, and not everyone else. That is my non-New Year’s Resolution… mostly because my previous resolution was to be nicer to people and I broke that resolution on January 3^rd after a few beers. Cheers!

 

 

 

Oh, sobriety you silly cad you

My mind and liver are clear after 16 days of sobriety so I decided to take advantage of this time and entertain you with a blog post. Be warned, I talk about "hot topics" in my usual snarky, eye-rolling way. You can agree, disagree, get mad, get happy, or get drunk for me since I am not willing to lose $100 for a cold Coors Light.

2020. What to even say? 10 months down and 2 to go… Can’t imagine what the next two months could possibly bring. Maybe an abominable snowman attack? Maybe the movie 30 Days of Night will come true? Whatever it is, I imagine I will get as excited about it as I am with the COVID. Or the 2018 earthquake. Or the Election. Or our bum-deal Mayor (pun intended). You see, it’s not that I don’t care, because I do… to an extent. Let me explain, so unbunch your undies and simmer down for a second.

I will preface all of what’s to come with the fact that I understand my situation is different than others. I am single, I live alone, I have no kids, my parents live far away, I didn’t lose my job, and I have friends that think like me so I do still have a social network. With that said, I am so sick and tired of hearing about all this stuff (see list above). We are all entitled to our opinions and we all have the capability to listen, learn, fear, worry, etc. etc. What you do with those things is what matters. There is so much on the interwebs that you can’t possibly differentiate fact from fiction, truth from lies, or right from wrong. So what to do? I don’t really care. I don’t. You be you and believe your own truths. It’s not up to me to change your mind and quite frankly, I don’t have the desire to do so. It is not worth it to me or to anyone else to get worked up about all the inequalities and inequities surrounding all the major issues going on. Do you think making a Facebook rant or holding a sign, or rallying in any way is changing anyone’s mind? I mean, really, do you? Why does it seem that everyone’s voices have to be so LOUD all of a sudden? If being loud isn’t getting your cause heard, maybe you should try something else? Kill ‘em with kindness. You catch more bees with honey. Don’t worry, be happy. Make love, not war. You is smart, you is kind, you is important.  See? It’s that easy. I know coming from me it’s pretty rich, right? I know. But I’ve come a long way in being nice. Just be glad you never played soccer against me.

Have you defriended me on Facebook and deleted my name out of your phone yet? No, good.. I shall continue.

Do I want Covid? Nope. Do I want you or anyone else to get it? Nope. Does that stop me from living my life as I did before? Nope. I choose to go out and live my life. I take the precautions, wear my mask, lube up on sanitizer, wash my hands. If you are worried about catching it then my thought is you should probably just stay home or get one of those cool masks that circulate filtered air. Sorry, but not really. We all know we have the potential of getting it (regardless of said precautions), but we also know we could get shot, an STD, and lung cancer… but you don’t see people not going to Mt. View, or having unprotected sex, or quitting smoking. So, you do what you can do to not get it while not becoming a weirdo hermit by never leaving your house. Or become that weirdo hermit; you be you.

People in Anchorage are so apoplectic about the situation with the ol’ Mayor. Why? Because he "sext" someone and took a picture of his ass? Whoopdy doo. If you only knew what “important” people are really doing every day around this town. It’s a small town; we all have stories of indiscretions about the “Who’s Who” in Anchorage. So, what is it that is making people care so much about this? Is it affecting them personally? Is his resignation causing them more harm than when he was Mayor? I mean really, I am asking because I have NO CLUE why anyone would care so much. Also, it makes me do a little shoulder shrug and raise my eyebrow while ruminating about the people I know, who care so deeply for the state of affairs of our lil’ municipality, yet don’t do anything to help the situation. I mean sure, go hold a sign at the Park Strip. Post your opinion on every Facebook post or newspaper article. Better yet? Vote. Volunteer. Join a community council. Write your Legislators. Pick up trash. Donate to a good cause.

Let’s talk Presidential Election for a sec. It’s bad either way, we all know that. So how does berating someone over their decision to vote for an egomaniac or a handsy grandpa help? Yeah, chastising someone over their opinion in an open forum usually results in positive outcomes..👍  These people post about being accepting of all, loving thy neighbors, and all these frufru quasi-Christianesque do-gooder things and then one person mentions Trump and they go OFF THE RAILS, boil your rabbit, crazy. Whoa, whoa, New Age Mother Teresa, what happened to your peace-minded, piousness now? It’s cool, you can go back to your sanctimonious self on the social media now. See you in hell.

Stepping off my very tall, wobbly soapbox now. I’ll close with this:

If you know me, you know I can be the biggest a-hole there is, which is why you’re probably scoffing at this post. But from being that bull-in-the-China-shop, outspoken, direct woman, I’ve learned that sometimes it’s best to just shut the mouth.. usually real fast. Can you have an opinion? Of course. But if you do, and you can’t have a considerate, adult conversation about it, then just don’t bring it up. Let bygones be bygones. And for the love of all things holy, please don’t post about it on Facebook (insta-de-friend). I also do care about people and things. I don’t want anyone to get hurt (I’ve heard those riot signs can be a sliver danger), I don’t want anyone to get sick, and I don’t want anyone to care so much about any of these things I’ve written about that it affects our friendship. But if it does affect our friendship negatively, and of course that is your prerogative, I wish you well and I will relish in the .55¢ I will save not having to send you a Christmas card.

Any and all opinions in this blog post are solely those of the author. 

Any and all of your opinions about this post, unless positive and uplifting, 

can be kept inside that capacious head of yours until you can discuss it with someone who really cares.

Say It Like You Mean It

Dear Readers of my ongoing blog o’ nonsense,

 

I've been a wee bit annoyed lately. While I am really enjoying aspects of this little respite called quarantining, some are not as pleasant. Having to communicate through email, text, chat threads, and online has been...frustrating. Who knew that having that face to face interaction really makes that much of a difference? Or is that really the issue?

We learn to speak between one and two years old, yet some people never really learn how to communicate. Sure, a sentence can be made, and a question can be asked, but when it really counts why is it so difficult for some people to speak? I’m not talking about extrovert vs. introvert, or anything like that. I’m talking about being an adult and knowing and understanding the importance of effective communication. Do not think I’m not guilty of this, but for the most part I’d say I’ve come a long way in knowing when and how to say things and knowing it’s not what you say, but how you say it.. or so I’ve been told.

 

As adults, people come and go in our lives when jobs change, people move, or you learn that these people just don’t have the gall to say what it is they need to say time and time again. I am tired. I am tired of trying to play the "guess why I'm upset now" games. If I ask you a question or request information from you, I’m not doing it for shits and giggles. I’m asking because it affects my life in some way. What kind of person just ignores that? Say you’ve worked with/known them for a year, or five years, or a decade. Does it matter the length of time? Absolutely not. It is rude, inconsiderate, and absolutely appalling that someone who calls you a friend, colleague, partner, or “part of your family”, would not have the decency to simply… respond. What is that they say? 'Speech is silver; silence is golden'. Well, you can keep your gold. I have always liked silver better anyway.

 

 

I suppose that most of us don’t say anything when we should be saying something because of the potential repercussions. What would happen if someone told their boss that they thought the last meeting was a colossal waste of time because not one thing was decided in the two hours you talked in circles? Would they be fired? Would they be written up? Would they appreciate the feedback? Who knows? What would happen if you told your longtime boyfriend that he can’t always be the one making the decisions about your life together? That you don’t want to be stuck in the same “dating” cycle for another year. What if you were to tell him that you two aren’t on the same page, and if you don’t get there soon, that will be the end? Who knows? Why wait to find out if what you have right now isn’t what you want or need? It is that uncertainty of the response that stops people from saying what they really need and want to say. Just say it!!

My father and I didn’t utter the words I Love You for years. YEARS. It was awkward and uncomfortable, and we just don’t talk to each other like that. Just the thought of saying it made me shudder with anxiety. Unfortunately, it took something bad to happen to make us both realize we were being absurd. The first time he said it to me I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t prepared for it. I quickly responded back with the same three words, hung up, and called my mom to tell her he had said it. Then I called my best friend to tell her. It was that shocking. Yet, it was the best shock of my life and I will cherish those three words from him. Some people say it frequently and I often wonder if it begins to lose its power. If it just becomes part of your regular repertoire of sayings to your loved ones, does it hold the same meaning? I don’t know- I don’t say it very often. I want someone to know I really mean it when I say it and that it’s not just a phrase that I’m going to end a phone call with.

 

Most of you know that I can be, at times, overtly honest in my opinions and responses. Isn’t that better than not responding at all? Why would you ask me if you didn’t want an honest answer? If my two-cents is unwarranted, fine tell me to kick rocks. My best relationships are with people who are as honest with me as I am with them. Can it be uncomfortable at times? Sure, because she looks fat in those pants and doesn’t want to hear it. Fine, don’t ask… and for the love of God take those pants back.

 

All I ask if you are someone that I deal with regularly and consider me a friend or family member, colleague or acquaintance, communicate effectively. Try it, be honest, be open, put your guard down. Ask for what you want and explain why you need it. If you lose people because of it, then good riddance. Thank me later.

 

Sincerely,

Thinks she has her PhD in psychology,

Beth

The Best Year of My Life

I recently had a conversation with someone who stated that she had the “best year of her life” at the age of 36. This made me ask, “How the hell do you remember what you did at 36?” and also, “How do you remember it to be your best year of your life?” She went on to explain some profound life events that took place that year that paved the way for the “best year” title.  I got to thinking, “Beth, what year was the best year of your life?” Hmmmm…

While this poses an actual question, the real question that comes to mind is how I would ever remember far back enough to know what happened each year that might push it into 1^st place for Best Year of My Life (hereafter known as BYOML). I barely remember what I had for breakfast this morning let alone the past 39 years. So I’m going to attempt this by going back a few years or so and trying to pinpoint people/events/etc. that might give that year a leg up to take the prize of BYOML.

1994-1998: High school. Nothing about any of these years made any of them the BYOML. As a matter of fact they may have been the WYOML. They really should warn teens about these years being terrible. Yes, I was thin and  I made great friends and yes I had fun experiences, but ugh, terrible years, terrible.

1998-2006: I can bypass all of these years because they just consisted of school, being poor, Freshman 40# (it is 40 right?), working, and not knowing WTH I wanted to do with my life. Fell in lust a few times which obviously didn’t pan out. I learned how to live with roommates and the ups and downs of "being on my own".  I did move to Alaska which must be something good since I am still here… On another upside, I reconnected with friends and family that live here and I love that! 

One of my first roommates ever, Steffy.

2006-2009: Had a menial job that I worked hard at but got paid shit for. Made some lifelong friends. Lived in the basement of someone else’s house. Got matched with my Little Sister Amia-- 11 years going strong!! Started dating the ultimate sociopath/liar/I could go on but I won’t….. Not the BYOML.

Amia and I circa... 2016?

2009-2012: Had a job that I loved, boss I hated. Got fired. Positives- I learned a TON, had the opportunity to travel all over this state, and met some amazing people. Kept dating aforementioned loser until I found out he was cheating on me with half of Anchorage. #sweet #wastedprimeyearsofmylife. BUT, I moved into my little cabin that I continue to love and adore.. so this moves these years up the ladder of BYOML but I do not believe it hit’s #1. Oooh, and I got chickens which we all know makes me incredibly happy. Solid #2.

Not the cheater... but one of my favorite humans Geno!

2013-2017: Nothing really jumps out at me during this timeframe except I met my #1 Boo Boo Torrie who I don’t know what I would do without…So maybe that year is in the running…. Not to mention my brother got married which was cool. Maybe….but it was also the year I lost my Zoe so it’s kind of a catch 22. These were also the years I decided I was going to learn how to say “no” to things I didn’t want to do. Some call it selfish, but without sounding .. well, selfish, I don’t care. Call an Uber the next time you fly into town. I will not lose sleep over it. 

My #1 BooBoo (in a complete heterosexual way)

2017-2019: Got my job at RurAL CAP that I love but am still unsure what I want to do “when I grow up”. I sometimes feel like 40 is going to hit me and I will have nothing to show for it. I’ve skated through life and now I’m at the middle point wondering WTH I did with my life. I recently gave someone the advice that you only live once so make that life worthwhile. Do I live life by that same standard? I do know that I choose to spend time with people who I enjoy and who I trust. I'm over the dramatics and BS. I have enough amazing people in my life to even consider dwelling on those that don't contribute to my awesome life. #byefelicia.

So after many deep thoughts and browsing pictures to see what happened in various years, I’ve come to this simple conclusion: I haven’t had the BYOML. Yet. I have faith it’s still to come. It might look different from what I thought or expected it to be years ago, but I’m okay with that. Desires change. Needs differ. Expectations skew. In the end, I want the next year and the year thereafter to be the BYOML. Why not have something to look forward to?

Thirteen years. I never in a million years thought I would still be living in Alaska after my impromptu move here. Never. It still kind of shocks me. How did it all start? Let me tell you…

I was living in Minnesota when my parents decided to build a house in Mexico. Yep, Mexico. Meanwhile, they had a house in California that needed tending to while they were away. Enter me. I stayed at the house while they galivanted around looking for the perfect spot (which they found and have since sold.. we won’t talk about that sore subject). Meanwhile my eldest brother was living in Alaska with his girlfriend and all seemed good in the world. Then one day my brother called in a state of….. hmm… panic/sadness/anger/shock because his sweet little girlfriend had left him while he was at work on the North Slope and had taken some things that maybe didn’t belong to her. Long story short, he flew down to CA and he and I, along with his friend, drove up to Alaska. Him to go home, the friend to move up for work, me to find and beat the hell out of the girlfriend. Sorry not sorry. I never did find her, but that is probably a good thing.

So here I am, 13 years later reminiscing about the past years and pondering the coming years. I’m thinking about the jobs I’ve had, friends (and men) who have come and gone, adventures I’ve been on, places I’ve seen, and lessons I’ve learned. I sometimes think about the life I would have had if I had stayed in California or Minnesota or moved elsewhere. Would I be married with kids? President of my own company? Living on a farm by myself with a handsome farmhand? (Hey, it could happen!) But this is the life I have, and the one I will probably continue to have for awhile because I’m kind of set right now. I love my house. I love my job. I love my circle of friends. I love looking out my window and thinking I must live in one of the most beautiful places.

But on the other hand, the Anchorage I live in now isn’t the same Anchorage I moved to years ago. Maybe I’m more cognizant of the issues, maybe crime has always been bad, maybe the homeless population hasn’t increased, and maybe our government hasn’t always been so flawed. So you take the good with the bad and choose to stay or go, right? For now, I will stay put.

 

Here are some of my favorite memories from the past 13 years. I am so blessed to call so many people friends and have been so fortunate to travel and experience this magnificent state I call home. For easier viewing, view in Full Screen. Enjoy.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

There comes a time in some relationships where you realize that it is just time to walk away. You’ve done everything in your power to make it work and it just isn’t. And won’t and you feel the steady decline.

I recently had to make the choice to end a really long relationship. Most of you didn’t even know I was in one; I kept it secret out of shame and fear of judgement. Now I’m ready to move on and be a better me. But here is one last love note to end it forever.

Dear T,

You’ve been my constant companion for most of my life. You’ve been there when I was down and needed to just zone out and forget about the world. You introduced me to new, great things. You provided me with the opportunity to learn and grow and expand my horizons.

The problem is, you consume too much of my time. You are needy always reminding me of things I’m not seeing and your memory is just too full of things we’ve done together. I just couldn’t get away from it. When I turn you on all you want to do is make me watch you. Well, I’ve spent too much time with you and I need to work on me and not live vicariously through you anymore. I am done being your Sugar Mama spending all of my money on you. We are done TiVo. Done.

You will be forever missed,

Beth